Talk About a Pickle

Sorry if you have heard me say this before, because I say it a lot, but people from different cultures strike me as having more in common than they have differences. Some people are really great, some people are terrible, but most of us are just kind of fine. For me the thing that separates the States from the rest of the world is not so much our great or terrible people, but that we put pickles in pickle places and cucumbers in cucumber places. It is, perhaps, our nation’s greatest collective ability. In the rest of the world you may find a cucumber on a burger or somewhere equally as strange.

Hey everyone else in the world, I respect what makes you you and I appreciate when you extend the same sentiment my way. I am not criticizing your choices, I am simply pointing out that cucumbers are not pickles and you will never convince me otherwise. Certainly you have tasted pickles on a hamburger. Did you run out of pickles? Are you trying to trick me? 

Remember when you were a kid and you ate at your friend’s house and it tasted okay but a little bit off from how it was supposed to? Yeah, someone switched the cucumbers and pickles.

Let’s see what’s down this road.

One of my great uncles once told me that a person who speaks three languages is called trilingual, someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, and someone who speaks one language is called an American.

It doesn’t matter how comfortable your bed is because it’s so much better than the plane.

Sometimes I want to take and post pictures with strangers who look like people I know back home. I would be like: here I am with Ukrainian Harrison, or: hey look It’s me and Dutch Laura. I do not do this of course because my friends might want to return the favor, and I don’t want to send them over to dudes who look like me. Me-looking guys are kind of scary, right?

For those of you who are keeping score at home, here are two items of interest. Catherine has gone back to the States, so Team Pom Pom is officially on hiatus. Without her, we are just three jerks. With her, we are four. The other thing is: I am still walking around with my fake wallet. No one wants to rob me for some reason. Maybe at our core we really are good.

Maybe I look like I would beat the fuck out of someone who tried to rob me.

I am in the market for some souvenirs. In particular I would like to bring back a treat for my pals Joanna and Abigail. If either of you are reading this, let me apologize right now for whatever stupid trinket I eventually bring you. What I am looking for is: a cat on a lyra that says Asia for Jo. For Abigail I would like to find one of those buttons that, if you push it, someone dies and you get a million dollars.  

The search continues.

Coffee in Krakow

Krakow, y’all. I do not know where to begin. To say that Krakow is wonderful is an exercise in redundancy. This city is the universal baseline for all things wonderful. Remember that first kiss with your one true love? Hell, remember your most recent kiss from your one true love? Remember finishing that perfect book and wondering if you should flip back to the first page and read it again? That is Krakow. It is a cuddle from a puppy. It is that time you got bumped up to first class. It is not the Amsterdam or the Paris, but it is the Krakow all its own.

I was talking to my pal Piotr last night and he asked me how Krakow has changed since the first time I came here. I told him there is coffee now. The first time I came here, I had to buy black tea to get some real caffeine in my American blood. I remember when they put a Starbucks in the Galleria, and now there are two Starbucks in there. There are cafes all over the place. I am doing my best to give them all my money. Another thing that has changed is so many people speak English. I’m not all, “Sup brah, gimme an extra shot and pour half of the milk on the floor,” but I am definitely, “Hello, may I please have a latte.”

                                                         These folks make coffee for me.

Afterthought: a barista in Kiev asked me if I wanted my coffee strong or soft. No musician from Albuquerque has ever gone to Kiev for a soft cup of coffee.

 For my most recent Polish lesson, I am trying to learn the phrase: “Oh really? Because your eyes tell me a different story.” I can think of many situations where this could come in handy. Polish phrases I already know include:

You look pretty.

I like your shoes.

I only speak Polish.

Pardon me, I am a redneck from America.

My Polish friends seem to particularly enjoy when I say that last one. My Polish is somewhat limited, but I have a good time. Speaking of good times, there are two shows left. Fingermouth is happening at 8:00 and The Reptilian Lounge is at 10:00. I have it on good authority that today is Thursday, but you can never be too sure about these things.

                                  This chick really wants me and Drew to go to the strip club.

You know how it is August so it is really warm in Albuquerque? Well, it is apparently not August in Krakow. It is almost October here and water keeps falling from the sky like Seattle in the autumn or winter or spring or summer.

How good is Polish food? The answer to that question is 100. Polish food is 100 good. I would describe it to you, but that would just make you mad because look at that stuff you’re about to eat. Shame on you. You are in Albuquerque. Go eat something good.

I’ll tell you more later.

Gator.

Hey Kid, Get Lost

I am out in Kiev with Tricklock Company. While everyone is getting ready to perform Fingermouth and The Reptilian Lounge and a Ukrainian TV appearance out here in Eastern Europe, my homeslices Rhiannon and KatieP are touring the States with their show ELLIEIDA. Holy smokes, did I drop enough names in this paragraph?

I just wanted to draw your attention to Rhiannon and KatieP for a moment. They are young, they are women, and they are bad ass. Their company is Studio Playhaus with several other homeslices, and they are touring their original production. It's like Albuquerque is the Garden of Bitchin 'and we are all out planting seeds across the world.

When the crop comes in, it is going to be spicy.

I walked down to the square. Well, it's the square but it's not called that - maybe because it's a circle. If you can recall an image of Kiev from the news, there. I went there.

I was using Google Translate to try to figure out the menu of a sandwich place because the Cyrillic script is hard for me to read. A guy, who was probably the manager of the sandwich place, spoke very little English and really wanted to help me. Through a series of gestures and expressions and both of us repeating the word "good," I ended up with, what I think was, a ground chicken sandwich. I took a bite of it.

"Good?" He asked. "Good," I said.

Before I finish this story, you need to know that as much as I brag about my ability to speak French, it is actually very limited.

So I tell the guy that my sandwich is good and he says: "Bon appétit."

"Pretty close," I thought. "Pretty darn close."

The differences between a guy from the States and a guy from France are vast, and at the end of the day who gives a shit.

Here's a thought: we are able to travel around because of our ability to manipulate the decayed remains of dinosaurs.

I have been carrying two wallets - my real one, and the if-I-get-robbed one. The latter says AC/DC and sticks together with Velcro. It has a few bucks in it, an expired NYC Metro card, and some receipts. So far, I have not been robbed in New York or Kiev.

Stay tuned.

I was told that I have a weak hippocampus because of my reliance on technology. I guess we all do. A hippocampus, if you do not know, is how Sirius escaped from Hogwarts. I went for a walk earlier to strengthen my hippocampus, and promptly got lost. Luckily, Google Maps knew the way home.

Go get lost somewhere. I recommend it. 

Train of Thought

Sometimes I have million-dollar ideas. I tell you the thing, you run with it, everybody makes money. Perfect right? I had a million-dollar idea in Amsterdam for a small utensil that would remove the core of an apple. Apparently this device has existed for some time and is actually called an apple corer.

I totally want one, and everyone thinks it is just so hilarious that I was not aware of them. Catherine wants someone to invent some kind of wall portal that will keep her from being trapped in her house – like a window, but it goes all the way to the floor.

Everyone is a comedian.

Holland is just as pretty as ever. I took thousands of pretty pictures, and I look forward to showing them to you one day. Team Pom Pom stayed in one of those buildings you’re imagining.

 A

I  I

I  I

Juli and my room was in the top of the A, and we had to bend as we walked across it. Juli said it was like Harry Potter’s room under the stairs.

The woman who sold me coffee this morning sang to herself in English as she served me. It was kind of: “Now I give you the coffee… Now I give you a napkin…”

I am on a train on my way to Berlin. The only business I have in Berlin is to catch a different train. After Berlin I will go to some other place to catch a train, and then eventually I will get to where I am going. Kiev? Is that a thing?

 

Let’s find out.

Catherine and I are playing a game called If Jason Was Here. You can play at home if you’d like. Here is what you do: take any situation and decide how Jason would make it better if he were there. For instance, I am writing this blog. It’s fine. But if Jason was here, he would have chicken wings for everyone and a sweet mix of rock songs through the ages.

Sometimes Juli doesn’t LOL, but she LI (laughs inside.)

One last thing about Catherine: she always wants a cup of hot water. It might have something to do with saving money.

Here is everything I have learned about Ukraine so far:

... 

Okay. The train. Y’all hear about this? After riding rails for 23 hours, we were ready to get off at the next stop, which was supposed to have been Kiev. It turns out, we still had another 24 hours to go. The mighty Team Pom Pom stayed strong and after 45 hours our asses are now in Ukraine. Teams Dragon and Radio Flyer have also arrived.

Sounds like a party.