Your Next Superstition

So I know what you are thinking: for a travel blog, this dude doesn't talk about travel very much. You are also thinking: in spite of that, this is absolutely my favorite blog in the world.

Wow. Two things.

First of all, thank you. That really means a lot to me. Second of all, here are some Bogota things you might find useful when you come down here for a visit. Okay, you want to stay at Hotel Parkway. No foolin'. The hotel is clean and affordable and in Bogota's Parkway barrio, which is friendly-ish and safe-ish and very cool. Think: Albuquerque on a Wednesday evening. You are also going to want to eat at a place called Statua Rota. Both of these recommendations only apply to you if you are not a total cacahead. Don't be coming down here all dumb.

Chevere.

If you enjoy a nice steak and you go to a restaurant that offers 300 metric units of meat and 600 metric units of meat, 300 is enough. Trust me. No one knows how the metric system works, but in good old normal units, a 300 steak is way big.

You may find yourself in a restaurant that offers a drink called limonada de coco. Order it and drink it. If Jesus Christ went to visit the pope at the Vatican, this is the drink He would be offered. It's the best we have.

Sometimes you have a drink with friends, and before you drink, you clink your glasses together. That is great. Good for you. If you try to clink my glass, I will clink right back and I will say, "Cheers!" or some variation. If you are having a drink with five of your friends, and everyone wants a clink, go ahead and clink.

All I'm saying is, there comes a point where glass clinking gets out of hand. Like, imagine if you had to clink 100 glasses. That would be something of a chore, right? So what is the amount of glasses one should clink before it becomes a chore?

Glad you asked.

It's five. In fact, it is very bad luck to clink more than five glasses. Your house could burn down. Okay, I just made that up, but that doesn't make it not true. Five clinks and done. After five, it's a fingerguns situation.

If you ever get the chance to ride in traffic in Manhattan or in rush hour on the 405 or on a busy road in Uganda, I think you will be well prepared to enjoy a nice taxi ride around Bogota. It's weird to me how many people are afraid to get on the plane. Let us all be more afraid of each other in our cars please.

Cheers!

Juli and I just celebrated our 12th anniversary, the global connections are getting ever stronger, and art is saving the world.

Did you ever notice that Spanish is hard to speak? Like, what's up Spain? My Spanish is so much better than it used to be, and it is just awful. The hard part is, the more you practice, the better you are able to understand how poorly you speak. Last tip: if you can learn to speak Spanish before you visit Colombia, that would be good.

Suck it, haters.

I am screening Pulling Push Doors in Chicago on May 26th. Tell someone who would love it.

Here we Gogota Again

If you hooked me up to a lie detector and asked me if I speak Spanish, every response I could think of would show up as a lie. I don't speak Spanish and I don't not speak Spanish. I can tell you for sure that when I speak it, it comes off as unsure and a little wrong. I think I'm more confident speaking French and Polish because I don't speak French or Polish at all. I can repeat a few phrases that were taught to me and that's it. Confidence!

Juli and I went to California where I spoke next to no Spanish at all. We visited Kerry and Jason and their kiddos and pup. We played in the water and near the water and on the water. It was comfortable and normal and easy.

Like Jesus

However.

We stayed at an Airbnb. Our place was an unusual place for us because it wasn't private living. We had a room in woman's house. The woman told us she was an artist and she had a seven-year-old girl. An artist, eh? I have always wanted to meet one. The house was an adults-only place with a little girl and it was Disney themed. We didn't spend much time at the Airbnb, and I expect we will seek private living from now on.

Art

As you might expect, we left California and we are in Colombia now. Dude, Spanish everywhere.

Juli and I went to a restaurant and the business of speaking Spanish falls to me. Our server said, "Good afternoon."

I said, "Good afternoon. Is there a table for two?"

She said, "Mysteryword mysteryword you like mysteryword upstairs or downstairs."

I said "up" and she lead us upstairs.

Later, she told me that there were lunch specials and she pointed at a menu that had a lot of Spanish words on it. I said, "I like a plate with meat."

She said, "Mysteryword mysteryword potato and salad or mysteryword mysteryword mysteryword?"

I said, "Which one is better?" and "Which do you prefer?"

She said a series of mystery words and I agreed with her.

Upstairs

Lunch was awesome. If you are ever in Colombia, I totally recommend lunch. I also recommend studying Spanish a little more than you think you need to. I speak it well enough for people to feel comfortable giggling at me or rolling their eyes. But if you need to go upstairs, follow me.

I'm Swearing Again

Okay, the fucked up part is: I totally went to Poland and The Netherlands, and I didn't write a word about it. I don't really have a reason why I didn't write about it. One of those things. As always, I took Albuquerque with me. I was just quiet about it.

That's over now.

Poland 

Now it's time to go to another state and another country and another state. Intrigued? Good. I'm going to need you to grab your extra AC/DC wallet, your passport, and a million dollars in Colombia bucks. Download Google Translate, get your walking shoes, your boogie shoes, and grab something to read. I am hitting the road, y'all, and I'm taking you with me.

Okay, the fucked up part is: I'm not taking Catherine with me. Weird, right? I've never been to South America without that chick. Weirder still, I will be meeting Daga from Krakow there. What? I'm confused. So like, dragons and arepas and squares and cuadranos? Buenos dobry?

Stay tuned, rockers. As soon as it makes sense to me, it will make sense to you.

I couldn't find one of Catherine and Daga, so here's this.

I have been distributing my new movie Pulling Push Doors all across the world. The most popular place to watch it is on Amazon Prime. That platform has the audience already built in, so I do what I can to boost the audience's interest. It occurred to me a while back that my Prime audience might grow if I posted Psycho Bettys From Planet Pussycat. Yeah, it totally worked. Enough eyeballs are finding Pulling Push Doors that I have decided to put Flicker on Prime as well. Look for that if you're interested.

Here's some more news PPDland. Your friend Starr booked me and the movie in Chicago. That's why we're going to another state after another country. Perhaps I will develop new opinions about pizza styles. That would be good for everyone. 

Bitchin'

Okay, the fucked up part is: I wrote a play, like, a year or two ago and I forgot about it until recently because I had to send off my final draft. I laughed at my own jokes several times. I totally get my sense of humor. I would read particularly funny parts aloud to Juli, who would pacify me with, "I know. I know. I read it yesterday."

I guess you are not supposed to laugh at your own jokes, but you have to understand, they were new to me in a way. It was like your goofy friend was on a roll, but your friend was you. It'll happen to you. Let me know when it does.

Well, this blog is just as cohesive as it ever is. I am hitting the road and bringing my movie.

Wanna come?