Sometimes people ask me if there is anything worth seeing
beyond Albuquerque and if I have any advice on how they can go see stuff. The
answer to both of these questions is: totally. I don’t know how normal people
travel, but if you want to do things my way, I will tell you how to go about
it.
I think the two most important things about preparing to
travel are:
1.
Be a filmmaker and musician.
2.
Marry the tour manager or artistic director of
an internationally touring theatre company.
“Sure,” you are saying aloud to yourself as you read this. “That’s
the easy part. Now what?”
The first thing you should do is go about your business.
Eventually your wife will tell you where you are going, and she will give you a
rough approximation of when. She will then ask you if you can play guitar for a
room full of people, or make a video of the tour. Say yes.
After you say yes, the very next words out of your mouth
should be, “Can we go to Holland?”
You can’t always go to Holland, but it is important to ask
because sometimes she will let you.
If you need to rehearse, go ahead and do that. Then get back
to minding your business. At some point your wife will come to you and say, “Can
you believe we’re going on tour in three days?” This is your cue that you should
pack. Things you will need: gear, adapters, clothes. You probably won’t need a swimsuit,
but you should take one with you so that you can carry it around.
If you are going to Europe, you should learn how to say “Good
day” in every language. This may sound daunting, but remember that there are
only four or five other languages. Before you order a cup of coffee or
whatever, say “Hello” in English, “Good day” in whatever language is
appropriate, then order your drink. I don’t know if this routine accomplishes
anything, but it works for me.
“What if you want to say ‘Good day,’ but it’s nighttime?”
See? That’s why you never go anywhere. No one likes you.
Now that you are in Europe or Africa or South America, here
are some tips that should make your journey more enjoyable:
When you order something to eat or drink, an actor may tell
you their intention to eat from your plate or drink from your glass, even though they have their own stuff. Say, “I like you
and you’re my friend, but I don’t like to share.” The actor will roll his or
her eyes. That’s how actors tell you that they think you are pretty.
Stop talking so loud.
Public transportation can be different in other parts of the
world and sometimes the signs are in French. If you become frustrated, just go
to the wrong place and look at your phone a lot.
If someone tells you that they didn't sleep enough, tell them that you slept even less.
If you become homesick and see a McDonald’s, don’t bother
going in. That McDonald’s is weird and they sell a lot of pork.
When someone asks you if you have anything to declare, you will think of really funny things to say. Don't say them.
If you know you are going to Poland, learn to speak and read Polish.
If you see an animal that reminds you of your pets at home, point it out to everyone.
The amount of money you make busking in Kiev will not cover
the cost of three ice creams. Bring a little money to tip yourselves.
At the market, you may find tomato favored potato chips. Buy them and eat them, but do not make up your mind about whether or not they are any good.
I hope you have enjoyed these travel tips. Perhaps I will
post more on another day.
