Original Ideas

So, I know what you’re thinking: Didn’t Catherine take a bunch of travel pictures with a little toy cow named Cheesecake, like, a year ago?

Yes she did. And yes I have been taking travel pictures with a little toy Leia named Leia. I wouldn’t say that all of my best ideas come from my friend Catherine, but sure, some of them do. Why can’t I just take an original idea from one of my friends and claim it as my own? That’s pretty original, right?

In the spirit of giving credit where it is due: Catherine, toy cow, me, steal.

Cute.

My next original idea is to create an entire movie around my toy Leia. I’m thinking about calling it Star Fight. It will take place somewhere a long time from now, or maybe a long time ago. I haven’t worked out all of the details.

I do not believe that transitions are for the weak.

Yeah, sure, I used to play with the Etch A Sketch when I was a kid. I remember some people were really good at it. There were kids who could make a house with windows and smoke coming out of the chimney. Some people could do portraits. My personal achievements included rectangles and stairs.

As of this writing, it hasn’t rained in Africa yet, so my blessings are on standby.

Juli and I had a nice talk over breakfast. We are both writing about our travels, and we wanted to have a quick check in to make sure that we weren’t both writing about exactly the same thing in exactly the same way. I told her about my Etch A Sketch thing. If she was also planning on writing about the Etch A Sketch, she sure played it cool.

Sometimes tensions flare up when you travel in a group. I find it’s usually best to stay out of it. Things have a way of working themselves out among friends once everyone has had a little time, and maybe some sleep and a nice meal. Pro tip: you can cause a lot of damage by giving the appearance of taking sides. Every once in a while I am the reason that tensions flare up. I’m just a dude with my own flaws and I’m grateful that I have patient friends who respect me enough to give me some time to have a nap and a snack.

(I usually don’t edit my blogs, but I added “Pro tip” to that otherwise fine sentence. I think it adds a little something.)

Juli and I do a pretty good job traveling together. Tensions flare up a little from time to time, but we manage it well with the same kind of friendly patience. The biggest difference is that I can never hide when I am on my side. Usually when Juli and I have a tiff, it’s because I am incredibly right about something and homegirl has lost her damn mind. Our greatest and longest debates have been over The Shining. She thinks the book is somehow better than Kubrick’s masterpiece. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Objective. Stay objective.

The movie is better.

This is a popular story about me with the gang back home. I have never attempted writing it down before, so I hope I capture what’s fun about it. I remember it happening, but I have heard the story several times from other people since then. This telling will be a combination of those things.

I was in Krakow with a gang of artists and actors. We were in a part of the city far from where our beds were, traveling from one part of town to another, and we stopped off at a convenience-store type market for some provisions – water, cigarettes, snackiepoos – you know the drill. Several of us lined up in front of the counter like ducks. I was at the back of the line.

The first guy, we’ll call him Mr. A, spoke to the Polish woman behind the counter. In English, he said something to the effect of, “Where are the burritos? Do you have any burritos? Burritos. I can make my own burrito if you can show me where the tortillas are. Where are the tortillas? Tor-ti-llas.” The Polish woman was unable to direct him to the burritos.

Our next ambassador, we’ll call her Ms. B, took her turn. “Can I please have a pack of cigarettes? No, the blue one. No, the blue one. No, that’s yellow. The blue one.” Her voice became increasing louder as she pointed ever more feverishly. “No, the blue one.” I believe Ms. B finally got her cigarettes.

The rest of the gang said please in Polish and excuse me in Polish and water in Polish and did their best mime to acquire their necessities. At last it was my turn. We’ll call me Aaron Hendren.

“Yo, baby. What’s up?” I said. I might have had a friendly tone.

When you hear my friends tell this story, the legend goes that the Polish woman giggled and blushed, and got sparkles on her eyes for me. I guess I charmed her. Maybe I just added a little levity to a stressful situation. I don’t really know. I know that I can still hear Ms. B’s voice, “No, the blue one. No, the blue one.” Hey, Ms. B, maybe English isn’t her first language.

Just a thought.

This morning my server told me that they were out of bread and asked if it would it be okay to substitute cake. I told her that would be fine. I wish this was an option more often.

I hope you are learning a lot about Africa from my blogs. Please like the Egg Murders page on Facebook. If you haven’t done it yet, you really are the reason your parents got divorced. 

Me and Uganda

When you were around 19 or 20, you lived in this dirty house with a couple dudes and you all played guitar. When the girls came over, you all would D-C-G through some nonsense and everyone would sing along. As it got late into the night, y’all would G-D-C and pretty soon everyone was singing Ziggy Stardust.

Remember?

Me too. In fact, that sounds a lot like my life.

There’s that part in Ziggy Stardust where the singalong really picks up: Just the beer light to guide us. I bet if I was in a coma and you started playing that part, I would wake up in time to sing: JUST THE BEER LIGHT TO GUIDE US. Oh man. We’ve been there. We were probably there together. It’s such of part of us that part of us will always be there. 

Dude.

But things are a little different now.

When I am far from home, I love to see a Starbucks. Your coffee is exactly right in there. Man, I love to do new things and experience new places. I love the local café, but there is a comfort and a draw to a faraway Starbucks. And I find myself thinking:

Just a mermaid to guide us.

Can you believe that? I suck now. I am one of those dudes who just sucks. When did that happen? What the heck is wrong with me? What changed? Was it me or the world around me? Well, some of you don’t know the song I’m referring to, so you suck too. We both suck now. Think about that.

I am in Kampala, Uganda. Today is my first day of this trip that I have woken up here. I am preparing to shoot a dance and to document its history. I expect to get more details about this project in a few minutes.

More of this on Instagram. #uganda

The last time I was here, I saw elephant, giraffes, warthogs, and several more fascinating creatures. So far I have seen some lizards and some gigantic birds. I am far from home – maybe the furthest I can be from home before I start to get close to it again.

I have seen zero mermaids.

Okay kiddies, make sure you like Egg Murders Productions on Facebook and do whatever ass exercises you need to get it in shape, because you have to get your ass to my movie premier in Albuquerque. You and me, dude. There are two things we could always do better than anyone else: lick ‘em by smiling, and leave ‘em to hang.

I Think About Empire A Lot

What’s up kitty cats and rock and rollers?

Everything is a scatter and a jumble right now. I have so much to tell you about, but I don’t have a proper context for all of my random thoughts. This thing, that thing, this thing, that thing. Princess Leia, wine with Sprite, and some dude wants a couple eurobucks for some toys.

Toys

Then there’s the movie. I want your pretty face at The Guild so hecking much.

I am working on the subs for Pulling Push Doors as I travel. I won’t need them right away, but I want to get them translated into Spanish as soon as possible. The hotel room, the airport, hecking Africa – these are all fine places to create subtitles, write, film, and I even have a guitar with me. In these little moments in between sucking the nectar from life and travel, I’m like: “Gimme more hecking nectar!”

Spain is New Mexico’s grandmother.

Can we call Leia a Jedi? She didn’t get any Yoda time, but she clearly has the knack. Luke pretty much tells her so and Yoda and Obi-Wan talk about it. Let’s just call her a Jedi. That makes her a princess, a general, and a Jedi in the series. That chick could suck nectar.

It’s a quick one today.  I am going to work on subtitles until it’s time to get on the plane. I’ll be sure to say hi from Africa. You be sure to like Egg Murders Productions on Facebook, and get your pretty face to the screening.

Yes I do.

Until next time, suck the nectar.

Oh snap oh nap

First grade was a long time ago to anyone reading this. If you don’t remember what it was like, please allow me to refresh your memory. One day, your first grade teacher taught you the difference between there/their/they’re, your/you’re, it’s/its, and to/two/too. If I remember correctly, a lot of kids were home sick that day. On another day, your teacher told you about siesta in Spain. The rest of your first grade year was spent doing crossword puzzles about George Washington.

For some reason, everyone remembers the siesta thing. Your not to sure if their right about it anymore because you learned a lot of things about other cultures that turned out to be not true. Let me tell you, the siesta in Spain? It’s real.

In my brief experience in Segovia, I would say most stores and restaurants close right around the time you get hungry. They open again right around the time you say, “You’re kidding.” Also, a bunch of places are closed on Sunday. I’m not talking about normal places like tattoo shops and noodle places. I’m talking about the store. Know why the store is closed?

God.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not bitching about siesta. I’m charmed as heck by it. It just takes a little getting used to.

My first grade teacher’s name was Mrs. Kinney. I have a clear memory of her saying some pretty racist stuff. I hope they don’t teach that stuff to kids anymore. But I wish they would spend another day on that whole there/their/they’re thing.

I have been trying to use fewer swear words in my blogs. Have you fucking noticed? Good for fucking you!

I have also been trying to find words that offend but don’t rely on gender to have impact. My favorites are “brittle” and “candyass.” Go on, talk about politics with that idiot you know and call them brittle. Let me know how it goes. I think it will go fine, candyass.

Anyhoo, I can’t find a fuck substitute. I almost like heck. Are you out of your hecking mind?

My old pal Jimmy Deveney is out on tour with his band, and get this: he’s blogging about it! Like every day or two, he’s posting a new blog. What a hecker! I can’t compete with that. Slow your hecking poo down.

Nah, do your thing.

Okay crocodiles and alligators, from this side of the aqueduct, see you later.

  

Aaron Hendren's Top Five

And now, here is a list of my Top 5 Things to come from Mexico:

1. New Mexico

New Mexico is my home and the exact center of the universe. It is where the concept of beauty was first created. It is where arts and culture were first introduced into humanity and its legend continues.

2. Georgina

Georgina is a writer who is made of hugs and gunpowder. She can tell the future by her dreams. Homegirl is always good for a drink and a laugh y no tiene novio. Toma que toma.

3. Mexican Fender Guitars

Like most guitars, these bad boys are hit or miss. When they hit, they are bitchin’ guitars built across the border from the American Fender. My Mexi-strat was built by angels and blessed by God.

4. Mexican Food

I don’t quite know what to say about this. You have had Mexican food. Did you love it? Of course you did. You are not a monster.

5. These pants I bought

Holy smokes. They are skinny jeans for the more beastly of gentlemen. They did not cost much and they make me want to dance. When you see them, you will want to dance as well.

I hope you enjoyed my fun list. I will check back with your pretty face in Spain.  

What's up, Doc?

Quick: think of a Mexican food item.

Did you think of carrots? Good for you. That’s right. I have eaten most of my 2017 carrots in the past 24 hours. Every single meal has included carrots in one form or another.

Like many of you, I come from a land called New Mexico. It is a strange and wonderful place. Without getting into a complicated history, I will simply remind you that the nation of Mexico is the land I come from’s mom.

Weird, right? I mean, England is kind of my nation’s mom. Like every family, our relationships are goofy and hard to explain. Maybe you were raised by your mom, but you have another woman in your life who was like a mother to you. Maybe you don’t have a mom. Maybe a million possibilities. Maybe corn flakes and panda bears.

Jale Empuje Puertas

Mexico is my state’s mom, but I really don’t know her very well. It is pretty nice that I get a chance to visit her. I hope she likes me. I hope we don’t have to talk about my nation’s creepy stepfather.

I’m going to get off of the family analogy in just a moment, but let me just say that when I am in Spain, I will be visiting my state’s grandmother.

Abuela.

Juli and I watched several hours of dance today. We will do the same tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that. And then we’ll see.

It’s just a quick blog for now. Goodnight from New Mexico’s mom. Tomorrow we dance and eat carrots.

Lies and Ammends

Let me first address the lies I have told you.

If you keep up with this blog, you may recall that I told you that I returned from the future with the information that Americans are not idiots and we would never elect Donny Dump. I tried to convince you that you are not surrounded by idiots. I practically pleaded with you to have faith in each other.

Sorry about that.

While I did return from the future, I thought it was best to lie to you about the election. You are surrounded by idiots. I just was not ready for you to know that yet. You are ready now.

Another lie I told you was that I would not be making a cameo in my latest movie Pulling Push Doors. Well, I made a cameo and it is awesome.

Now that that is out of the way, I hope we can move on in an honest way. I will not lie to you again. I promise you that if I am ever dishonest with you it will only be because I didn’t mean to be or because I thought it would be funny.

Now then, I’m hitting the road soon and I’m taking you all with me.

So let’s talk a little more about my wallet.

                                          

                                                                            See?

Back in 2016 I became interested in the idea that I might be pickpocketed. I was down in Bogota and I purchased a decoy wallet. The wallet boasts Angus Young from AC/DC, and I keep things in it that I think would really disappoint a thief.  Hang in there, because I am going somewhere with this: I got the wallet in Colombia, travelled with it to New York, The Netherlands, Ukraine, and Poland. I will be taking it with me to Mexico, Spain, and Uganda (assuming it doesn’t get stolen.) I really want my former guidance counselor to still be alive and reading this right now. Hey Mr. Whateveryournamewas, remember you said I wasn’t going anywhere? Well, my decoy wallet has been more place than you have.

I told you I was an artist.

Yeah gang, we are off to Mexico in a bit. Our first stop will be Districto Federal for a little dancing and some art. I hope to report on street food and the Spanish language as I understand it.

I will be talking about the new movie a lot, but let’s get into that a bit later.

As always, keep your passport in your front pocket and pack the kind of underwear you can wash in the shower.  I’m going to check out three continents this summer.

Wanna come?